This may surprise you, but there’s a huge crossover between people who are nerds and people who love squirrels.
Anyway, there is a fantastic superhero called ‘The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl’, who is basically what it says on the tin. She has beaten all the biggest villains in the Marvel Universe, using only her power to talk to squirrels. It’s a great comic – but she’s never gotten to tangle with the big DC heroes.
I am a huge believer that Squirrel Girl can take out anyone due to her connection to squirrels. So, if you were to take out Superman’s biggest foe – Lex Luthor – I totally believe that you could do it with squirrels. Here’s how I’d plan it, at least.
Lex Luthor is a super-genius and all around scary guy. He’s fought Superman hundreds of times. I figure that he’s absolutely ready for any realistic threat that’s going to come his way. That’s why I think the squirrel plan is ultimately feasible, because no one in their right mind is going to expect to be attacked with squirrels. Even if he did consider the possibility, he’s not going to take it seriously. That’s going to be his fatal mistake.
Strength in Numbers
The first thing you’ve got to consider when taking on a supervillain is that he’s super and you, of course, are not. That’s why it’s perfectly okay to cheat. I’m going to bring with me not one squirrel, but a veritable squirrel army. I’m going to need dozens of the little guys, working in concert. I’m going to convince them that Luthor is a real danger to squirrel-kind, and hopefully they’ll put aside their own survival instincts in order to help me out. I figure this is payback for my well-stocked squirrel feeder.
Go for the Electronics
Lex Luthor often has inventions that are strong enough to take out Superman. This is probably the biggest obstacle in the way of anyone wanting to defeat him. Fortunately, squirrels are technology kryptonite. They can crawl in his battle armor and gnaw through all the important cables. They can tear apart with his guns with their squirrel claws. They are the perfect warriors when it comes to causing damage to very, very small things. It’s a play that Luthor could never have predicted.
Now that Luthor is bereft of his technology, it’s time for the squirrels to scramble. Have you ever tried tracking a squirrel when it really wants to get away? It’s virtually impossible! The squirrel army would scatter, drawing away the supervillain’s attention from those preparing for the next step. If the squirrels need to, they can run the sacrifice play by tripping up Luthor directly. It’s risky, but the squirrels know what they need to do to save the world.
Use the Environment
By this point, Luthor is grasping at straws. He’s paranoid, all of his gear is gone, and he’s angry. This is when you strike the final blow by using the environment. The squirrels will use their incredibly sharp, incredibly tiny teeth to drop something on him from above. It might be a big branch, it might be an elaborate chandelier – it doesn’t matter, because the squirrels can get high enough to cause some real damage.
Once Luthor’s incapacitated, it’s a quick phone call to the police before my squirrel army and I fade away. We’re not in this for accolades or attention. We’re in it for justice.
And, possibly, for a refill of the squirrel feeder.