We no longer live in a world where the Cubs are doomed to always lose the World Series. The various animal-related curses have been lifted, the right sacrifices have been made, and it’s possible for every other team in the league to just have a really bad year at the same time.
That doesn’t, however, mean the Cubs are destined to win another World Series. No, the Cubs need a lot of help – and who better to give it to them than another set of furry, four-legged athletes? Who better to help out Chicago’s finest baseball team than a pack of squirrels?
Probably anyone, to be honest. But this is how the squirrels might help!
Squirrels are well-known for their agility. The little fuzzy buddies are fantastic at moving from tree branch to tree branch, which is admittedly a skill that’s not totally useful in baseball. If they could teach players the basics, though, they’d be unstoppable.
Imagine a player who can easily clear the catcher when trying to make it home. Imagine a player who can react in the blink of an eye when a ball goes whizzing by his head. A player with the agility of a squirrel would be unstoppable, so long as no one started driving a car in his general direction.
Squirrels are crazy fast, too. You can really only judge a squirrel’s speed when a dog happens to get a good look at one in an open field. Squirrels can pour on the speed whenever there is danger, giving them a fantastic teaching role for a team that can always stand to be just a little bit faster.
Imagine the Cubs with squirrel speed. There’d be no base left unstolen. Every single would become a double, at the very best. And there would be no way they’d ever let a ball go into the outfield because the infielders would be just that fast.
Have you ever seen a squirrel when it is on a mission? They’re like tiny, fuzzy Terminators. Nothing can stop a squirrel with a goal. If squirrels can impart even a tiny bit of this kind of focus upon the Cubs, they’ll be unstoppable.
No off-season drama, no trade issue, no one-game foul-up will keep them from their goals. No, only a larger predatory animal will be able to drive away the Cubs, which is honestly probably something that should drive them away for their own safety.
Squirrels are consummate survivors, regardless of what you might have seen on the side of the road. Seriously, these animals have adapted wonderfully to a world that’s just not meant for them any longer. They could do a great job helping the perennially-disappointing Cubs to figure out how to adapt to the league. Now that the Cubs have a World Series under their belt again, they’re going to need help adapting to a new identity as a team that can theoretically win the big game again.
Squirrels would be fantastic coaches for the Cubs. They’d work for basically nothing (just keep their feeder full) and they would impart a host of important skills to Chicago’s favored sons.
Would they get them to another World Series? Maybe not.
They’d definitely teach them how to survive in the autumn, though, which is a skill that every baseball team needs. Seriously, there’s no chance that squirrels could do a worse job than some of the staff of the Cubs have done in recent memory. It’s just time for the management to find a solid animal wrangler to get these tiny miracle workers to work.